depression

Hi guys it's ☆ Star here,

So i have to say that i have been going threw a very rough patch. I was off my meds for about 5 days. It was very hard. I had thoughts of suicide everyday. And contemplated doing it. I was waiting on my meds to be approved from my doctor. I am back on them for now 2 days and have a relief of some what. So just know your not alone.

Where I Stand

I am starting to learn where I stand in life, I am minuscule. Just a grain of sand in this gigantic sandbox we call life. People shove me into a sand pale, and I am sculpted into their liking. If not sculpted properly,  then I am poked and carved with sticks to be what is more appealing to the eye. When sculpted into perfection, then I feel the water shoes trampling over the hours of hard work to build something bigger, and better. With every step digging into my soft damaged heart.

I would rather be a sea shell, that when found I am instantly put into a pocket for safe keeping. To where I would be handled with care, and soft strokes to dust off the grains of sand that I was once buried under. Then put on a shelf for every one to view my beauty. Where people enjoy my unique engravings that make me so special.

Worthless.....WORTH IT!!!

I have been called Heartless. Even though I help others in need, and hug those who hurt. I cry when animals are abused, and babies Get really sick, or die. I feel others emotions from across the room. I hate seeing the elderly lose a loved one they have spent most of their lives with. Knowing that someday soon, they too will let go. I help Snails cross the side walk so they don't get squished by the passer by-ers.  But, I'm heartless.

I have been told that I have a Blackened soul, Even though I forgive those whom have hurt me. I have loved from the deepest of my ability. But, my soul is black.

I have been called Fat. Even though I am 5'1" and weigh 110 lbs. I eat very lightly, but everything on my plate. But, I am Fat.

I have been called UGLY. I am aware that the freckles on my skin may not be attractive to every one. I  myself do not like them. I have been told a few times they are beautiful. They are costly to remove. I have had skin cancer removed once in high school, and my chances of it returning, are even double. But I am UGLY. 

I have been told I am too Quiet. I never talk and they can be weird. My thoughts don't always have to come out of my mouth. Perhaps I was saving myself an ass beating. Just because we all have an opinion that doesn't mean we always need to voice it. Some things are meant to be voiced. Things that make the world a better place. Other then that, I stay quiet. But on paper, my words flow out easily, like the mouth of a huge river. But, I am too quiet. 

I have been told That I am Selfish. Forgive me, If I am selfish. I take my belongings to a personal level. I respect them, I want to keep them safe. I walk around every day with a smile on my face that masks so many fears, and so much pain so other won't feel what I feel. I wanted to finish Veterinary school so I can get into animal rescue.  But, I am selfish. 

 I have been called Weak. I have spent a lot of my childhood in and out of homeless shelters with my mom. I have eaten old and stale hot dogs and mac and cheese. I saved my mom from getting beat by an ex boyfriend but kicking him in the dingle berries. I have been shoved into a freezer and locked in there at the age of 12 by a "father figure" to teach me a lesson for yelling at him for slamming the fridge door while him and my mom were fighting. But, I am WEAK. 

I have been called Worthless. My mom worked hard to provide for me. She nearly went to prison and she changed her ways for me. She quit drinking cold turkey for me. I knew we were struggling so at the stores If i wanted a toy I'd ask, "How much is this, mom? ". She would reply with "$1.99."
I would trade it in for a .99 cent toy to save my mom that whole dollar! But.... I am worthless.

You see, people say things with out thinking about them, All these names that I  have been called Do not make sense. Yes, I am NOT perfect. I have made so many mistakes (bad ones) that I can't even count on one hand. I grew up thinking I was a terrible kid. Bad mouthing my mom, saying rude and ungrateful things to her. As an adult she told me, I wasn't that bad of a kid. It made me realize, Words are words. They may mean something but, they mean what you want them to mean. Our actions speak louder then words do. Even if some says I am heartless, I know I have a Heart.  I do kind things, and I do my best to make people smile. I am NOT HEARTLESS. My mom gave up so much for ME, I am NOT WORTHLESS. You are not WORTHLESS. YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Earned IT!

I absolutely love this song only because of the feeling it gives me. It's a very sexy song! On top of that it makes me feel appreciated just by listening to the song lol! I have personally never seen or read The fifty Shades Of GREY. I'm guessing this is where the song developed from. So here it is, Earned It- The Weekend

Emotional World, Good and Bad

We live today in a world of people whom don't understand true emotion because it's bred into them. It's bred into them to be strong all the time. Hide your true feelings and you won't get hurt. When some one gets hurt, we rely on the world to help us fight it. How can we rely on the world when it's such a nasty place? Truth of the matter is there is good and bad in just about every little aspect in our lives. There are good apples and bad apples, There are great doctors and there are terrible doctors. There is good and bad every where and in every thing. The difficult part is picking out the bad from the good based on what signals they put forth. Some are better with their signals, and some are silent alarms. Silent alarms meaning when they are alone, they blare, they blare so they could be heard if some one was really listening. Be honest with your self. If your hurting, talk about it. If family or friends don't want to listen, then some one some where will. I will. I will listen. Don't hide your feelings. Talk about them. Where your heart on your sleeve. You have been strong enough for long enough. Strong enough to walk through a horrible world and still hold that beautiful smile for as long as you have. Let it go, and be weak for just one minute. Cry into a pillow, yell at the top of your lungs, go on a long run and run until your legs burn like hell. Once you do... you might start to see things change. The mask lifting and you healing.

Then and Now

I suffered social anxiety and Depression in High School. In high school my depression and social anxiety were a little more discreet then in today's case. In other words, I hid it very well. I laughed with my friends, I smiled at passing students in the hall, I went to parties at the lake and had a good time. On the out side. On the inside there was a whole different realm of my life that no one even knew existed. I played it off like my every day life was wonderful. I never talked about it. Years went by and things were great! I was happy, I loved every waking moment of my life. Then one day ot of the blue, I got sick. I felt different. I felt like I always had a piece of toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Whether or not I knew the people around me. I felt like they were digging for a solution to loath my every being, as much as I already do. In all reality they probably barely even noticed that I'm even there. This time, my battle seemed un- resolvable. I felt completely and utterly alone. Now I know, I have "Some" real friends I CAN rely on if I need them. The saddest thing is, Id they are people that I have never even met. They are miles away, or even in a different country. Real Friends are real friends. No matter the distance.

MVM: 1st Lady- Missing You

This song Made me cry the very first day that I heard it. I instantly thought of my brother, my sister, my grandparents, and all my lost friends. I miss you! Many people don't know that depression can begin with losing a loved one! It's ok to grieve any way you need to. Its the pain YOUR feeling. YOU handle things differently, and that's ok.

1st Lady- Missing You